Wednesday, January 18, 2012

'The real beautiful look is in those who have worked for it'

Today, I ended up breaking my fast at lunch.
It was OH-SO long of a fast.
Sarcasm aside, it was a complete failure.
Tomorrow is Thursday.
Tomorrow is a new beginning.
Tomorrow I will do my fast.
Tomorrow and the next day I will not eat, even though it will be tempting.
156.6 pounds is unacceptable.
When you're only 5'5.5" it's completely unacceptable to be over 140 or even 130.
When you're me, with a dad who reminds you of how fat you are, fat cannot be an option.
When someone is always looking, judging, saying that you're too fat, thighs shouldn't touch, stomach flat, it's hard to shake it too long.
It's hard to not run right towards starving.

I weighed myself today, as I'm sure you've gotten from my posts. Really unhappy about it, but I have to move on and focus on thinner. I've never purged, but I've sadly tried to. See, going over the calorie limit set is what makes me hate going out. One weekend, J.P. was trying to get me to eat a healthy amount of calories. We planned for every fast food place because we knew we'd be out, eating fast food, all weekend. To be honest, I kinda think that's what pushed me over the ledge into "I wanna starve" mode. But don't tell her that. I miss being able to just nibble on junk food and be well under the calorie limit. When I eat now it's...toomuch. Thank you for all the faith you pour into me. Each of your comments makes me feel like I can do what I've set out to do. Really, it makes everything that much easier.


❤ ♥ Sam [Misha] Lupin ❥ ❣ said...

5'5.5. gah. then it's completely unacceptable for 5'4 chicks to weigh as much as 152,4lbs. eh? but hey. we're doing something about it! we're chickas. and don't worry about your fast. always a chance to redo. :)
i think by 'sadly tried to', it just was hard and nothing would come up no matter what method you did ;)? ...i started off purging, then restricting, so obviously i had a head-start on purging. :3
<3 aweee. it's not a problem. we all need support and i've been reading your posts from a long-time. i just felt bad nobody said anything when you clearly deserve the support. <3 yes. i know how it feels like. when you nibble on junk food, it's a low amount for a high amount of calories so you literally feel like you ate nothing! <3
-Sam Lupin

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