New Year's Eve

I don't care how far I have to go, so long as I like myself again at the end.

Flood of thinspo

Haven't Used This for a While.

Yesterday...I ate a lot.
But I counted the calories, so I'm getting back into the swing of things.
I ate about 1,600 yesterday and only burned off about 600 of it.
Kind of depressing.
I'm hoping to eat less today because I don't think I'll be as busy.
I got this notebook.
We (J.P. and I) got one each so we could keep track of calories we ate.
We're using them for writing, but I'll probably end up writing down calories in it later.
It'll get to the point where that's all I can even hope to think about.
I'm actually really excited.
I'm using this website called Lose It! to count my calories.
Maybe writing it down and having it with me would also help.
Alright, toodles.
Hopefully I'll be able to post more often.

You know that moment during a workout

Where you're sweating

where you realize what muscles you don't use enough

where you're ready to take a break because you can hardly breathe

where you feel so tired, but you like this song so you keep going?

Yeah, I've had that happen all morning.

I used to be able to move for nine minutes (three songs) straight in this strange kind of dance minicking moves I've seen people do that looked sexy when they did it and probably make me just look like a twitchy squirrel.

Muscles I don't use in weight lifting and even ones that I do that aren't used to this kind of movement are screaming for a break.

So that's why I'm typing this. To give them a break.

I popped my back while dancing.

Only it didn't hurt like I had done any damage to it, so I ignored it.

It just felt like it needed to pop.

As I said in my other blog, I want to be sweaty and gross.

Well, I got that while dancing. YAY!

I'm back off to looking like a twitchy squirrel.

Wish me luck!

Weighing myself one more time before bed...

I haven't done anythin I should have today.
I want to weigh myself one more time before bed.
I told J.P. I would be in bed after I finished what I was working on.
Kinda feeling guilty that I stayed up about twenty minutes longer, but I want to weigh myself.
I need to know.
But first....I need to take a pee.
151.0
On the dot.
24.8(24.7), I believe that's what the scale(and site) said.
That's awesome.
I didn't go up as much as I had thought.
So, from my 156.6 I have lost 6.6 pounds.
Super pumped.
Alright.
Bed time.

Sometimes, I need a reminder of why I do it.

Reminder: I gain weight if I eat.
Reminder: If I eat, I eat too much.
So I need not to eat.
To lose weight, to not be the one eating all the time.
Weight is back up to 151.8.
I was so close to being below 150. I could taste it.
Now I'm back in the "overweight" range.
I ate like a starving pig.
Now, I need to starve like...an artist.


Sam Lupin-
I can eat almost amount of calories and still feel tired if I do the right things. I lose weight really quickly when I don't eat. Because I do a lot of ab and aerobics to keep my metabolism up even if I only fast for a little while. I haven't started cutting as much as I did. I used to have loads of cuts all over my body. Now, I just have a feel on my legs. One on my left leg, the other leg have about four. I don't like the thought of purging. No offense, but I like being able to say that I did all of this without puking up dinner. We have chocolate cereal and it's still so easy to over eat on it. It's made of six different whole grains on the outside, real chocolate on the inside. Three fourths of a cup is 160 calories. I told myself that I was only going to eat a little. Then I ate about three bowls of it. Today. Talk about over eating it.

Alright!~ I'm gonna drink a Diet Mountain Dew! And eat part of a bagel...with cream cheese. Yes, I'm over indulging because of my fast tomorrow. Sue me!

Tired

Drained, tired, those are the easiest ways to describe how I feel and not all of it has to do with the fast.

Weight: 152.8

Water, Vitamin Water Zero (the lemonade kind! :D), and coffee.

I've started cutting a little again.

Sometimes, I just need to remember that something else can happen.

That I won't just be in the muck all the time.

So I cut so that I bleed.

So that I know I'm alive.

Sam Lupin:

I'm more critical of myself. Like I have some friends who are really fat and I'm like "Awww, they're soo cutee!!" And yes, it was hard, very painful, and nothing came up. Exactly! But it's always so easy to overeat with junk food because it just tastes SOOO good. Haha.

'The real beautiful look is in those who have worked for it'

Today, I ended up breaking my fast at lunch.

It was OH-SO long of a fast.

Sarcasm aside, it was a complete failure.

Tomorrow is Thursday.

Tomorrow is a new beginning.

Tomorrow I will do my fast.

Tomorrow and the next day I will not eat, even though it will be tempting.

156.6 pounds is unacceptable.

When you're only 5'5.5" it's completely unacceptable to be over 140 or even 130.

When you're me, with a dad who reminds you of how fat you are, fat cannot be an option.

When someone is always looking, judging, saying that you're too fat, thighs shouldn't touch, stomach flat, it's hard to shake it too long.

It's hard to not run right towards starving.

Sam Lupin-

I weighed myself today, as I'm sure you've gotten from my posts. Really unhappy about it, but I have to move on and focus on thinner. I've never purged, but I've sadly tried to. See, going over the calorie limit set is what makes me hate going out. One weekend, J.P. was trying to get me to eat a healthy amount of calories. We planned for every fast food place because we knew we'd be out, eating fast food, all weekend. To be honest, I kinda think that's what pushed me over the ledge into "I wanna starve" mode. But don't tell her that. I miss being able to just nibble on junk food and be well under the calorie limit. When I eat now it's...toomuch. Thank you for all the faith you pour into me. Each of your comments makes me feel like I can do what I've set out to do. Really, it makes everything that much easier.

Everyone is just jealous...or they will be.

Sorry, I just realized that I made it sound like my mom thinks I'm fat.

See, my mom is fifty and knows that she's around 170 pounds.

The Wiifit said that she was about 158ish.

That's why she said it was a little light.

Alright, on to the real reason for this post (not my mom).

Tomorrow, I start a two day fast.

For this period, I will drink coffee, tea, vitamin water zero, water, and diet sodas.

I will try to run about 30 minutes both days (try, doubt it will happen, though).

I will go to weightlifting and give it my all.

I will try to burn over 300 calories each day.

Yes, I am going to push myself.

You know what I've missed?

That light headed feeling when I stood.

When my vision went black.

Being 128 pounds.

Knowing I could easily be less.

That's what I miss.

I know, I should be better.

My situation got better.

Why didn't I?

Whatever, food.

Today was bad, bad, bad.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Tomorrow and the next day will be 110% better.

Time to exercise.

Because at some point exercise became troublesome and I need to make it untroublesome.

I need to do aerobics before school, before lifting weights. I need to get that blood flowing.

Sam [Misha] Lupin

Sorry I made my mom seem like a bad person. I hope the beginning of this post makes you like her more. That was just breakfast. I think my day got a lot worse when we went to the book store with my dad. I had a side salad with some dressing and six mozzarella sticks with sauce and some of J.P.'s soda and then a mocha Starbucks double shot (it was 200 by itself). And thank you for believing in me! It makes it so much easier to believe in myself if even one person believes in me.

Bad Week

The wii says I'm down 2.3 (or was it 3.3?) pounds.

Mom says the wii is off, showing a lighter weight.

I'll use an actual scale later, when J.P. leaves.

So far, I've burned off over 100 calories.

Eaten 90+4+20=114

Pita roll, lettuce, and some shredded cheese.

Not too healthy.

Low calorie, though.

If I have enough low calorie days, maybe I can make up for all the bad days.

Caloriess~

Breakfast:

Cereal: 100

Milk: 90

Coffee: 0

Multivitamin

Lunch:

Green Beans: 22

Milk: 130

Cookie: 156

Dinner:

I honestly don't know. Fam is getting pizza. Pizza=high calorie.

Exercise:

Running for about 10 minutes: 148

Stretching (about 3 minutes): 13

Weight lifting (forty minutes): 151

Jumping Jacks (20 of them): 5

Crunches: (about 44 of them): 10

Wii fit (31 minutes): 158

Total burned: 485

Net:

To be honest, I'll probably exercise more.Which probably won't mean anything because I'll probably eat. I'm really proud, though, that I've gone most of the day with under 500 calories. I've been drinking a lot of coffee, and I know that I said I'd start ABC a Saturday a while ago, but I totally forgot about it. I think I'll start soon. Dunno when. I'll tell you when.

On the Third Day of the Year

Honey Bunches of Oats w/ Almonds: 65
2% Milk: 73
Large @ McDonald's Coffee: ZERO
Fruit Cocktail: 55
Fries: 69
Ketchup: 113
Twix: 80
3 Rice Cake: 21
Total: 476
*has a miniparty*

*shoots miniparty*

After all that I ended up basically binging.

Fruit snacks, cookie and cream pie thing, chips, rice & veggies, and...more.